Limited Presence

When you suppressed too long, the Pressure builds up.

What i really want -> What really interests me - > What will make me happy.

What should i do now.

Importance

There are times when you feel your importance to others.
there are times when these perceptions are challenged...

So when i find you to talk to,
it ended up even worse.

如果我不在乎的话，
那为什么会。。。 有这种感觉

关心是一种什么样的感觉？
无助的感觉。。。

html?

I am too lazy to even put up an entry.
I won't pick up HTML computing just for a friend.
No, I won't..

direction

I lack a motivation, a direction.

A reason for the hardwork now.
I've lost it. But i will need something more concrete now.
Something real, now just part of my imagination.

Identity

Who am i? I am Jian Yang, but what does that mean?

Am I trying too hard, or am I never too serious enough to give it my all...

A dream... is all i can do to savour that sweetness... and only in dreams, can I do all these.

It always begins very well, with luck and the advantage in the start.
But soon after, it will crumple. It always does.

I am always so motivated, confident and self-assured in the start, and end up doubting, insisting and trying desperately and eventually gave up again.

It all will end up as a cycle, just as the other cycles. of the other things in my life.
If i can break through, i'd have already done it long ago.

Why am i so weak.

Instead of progressing, i am degrading.

Instead of being the best part of my life, it ended up with me struggling most of the time.

Losing a focus, losing a goal, losing a direction, even losing myself.

In the pursue of something greater, to grow, to gain some achievements,

I ended up being dishonest with myself, dwelling into helplessness.

Sinking into being alone. With everyone near, beside, but alone.

I'm scared... so scared, i will just end my life like this.

Why would it progress like this in the first place...

Am I too childish, to behave like this, am I just can't accept that this is really who i am.

Moments of truth always hit me thinking of what am i doing comparing to the others.

I am just wasting time away, wasting life away, wasting my youth which will never turn back once again.

I started talking to myself lately.
Jian Yang is the most frequent name whom I called out to.
Speaking those words i'd like to hear from someone else.

To me, I am just a kid.

我在气我自己。
不够坦白于自己。

I know you dun wan to listen, that's why i dun say anymore.

__________________________________________

I need an official reason to be sad.
If not its just vying attention.
Or else friends will not spare the attention to listen...

Is I walked out on you,
or you all walked out on me.

Even i've started to mock myself

weak

I'm weak, I'm really weak.
Can't even voice out what i think,
Can't even stand on to what i want.

It's my low self-esteem that made me silent.
It's my low self-confidence that make others not listen to what i say.
It's my cowardice to hide when faced with confrontation.
It's my insecurity to always want attract some attention.
It's my dependence to always want to gain acceptance,
by keeping silent, by argreeing to everything, by hardwork and compromising my efforts...

At the end of the day, I still care, I still care, if you didn't even open up my present,
realise my efforts, ask for my hardworking and rejoice at my thoughts and sincerity.
It all matters cos' they are my building blocks of gaining recognition.
Of thinking that I am popular and likeable, that my existance there is more than appreciable.

I'm weak to ask for recognition for my own effort.
I'm weak to have to constantly depend on acceptance.
I'm weak to even show it out with a gloomy expression.
I'm weak, just weak to even type it out here.


Tonight, I know I wanted to stay.
Just saving 7 dollars, do I care for those little money when I've already did so much?
I knew I wanted to stay back and watch them at least open up the present and observe their expressions. Moreover, I've did so much for this. In the end, it's all neglected.

I didn't even voice out my opinions for not wanting to leave.
I just follow the flow of decision to.
When i didn't want to, when i have the say to.

Even when i speak of little conversations,
my words naturally blend into the noise and was lost...
I could only emphasise more... and only to be lost more.

The disappointment following after some efforts and expectations.
I knew this is coming right before it came.
I knew I will end up feeling this way.

Is this the feeling I made it to be, cos' its meant to be,
or is this a predicament i can never escape.

I did myself wrong again, let myself down and failed myself.
And I have a strong feeling this will continue on...
till I gave up, ran away and hide from it all again.

I've been lying to myself that i like you.

I dreamt of you again

I dreamt of you again. The second one in a row.
This dream, i was a special ops soldier, going to carry out a mission which i know i can't return back again.

I was holding you, standing, and you were lying on my chest.
We stayed like this for awhile, for how long i didn't know.
I was touched that i can finally hold you like this, but we're going to part.
I'll never be back again, but i am still glad, that i can finally hold you in my arms.

In both dreams, the feeling is about the same.
But they are so different from the weeks-long series that i dreamt about months ago,
when we were classmates. I used to take naps then, and wake up smiling, snuggling in my bed refusing to end the sweetness. My sem2, I was indulged in sweetness. Very happy and contented.

These two dreams for the last two nights, this feeling of parting. Does it mean something subconciously.

支持

为什么当我感到全世界都在支持我时，
是那些最重要的，最亲的， 让我感到失望。

原来，可能支持是用口说的。
就算你不能来，但一份心意也好。

我在学习不能期待，只能盼望。
但又有谁能做到这点。 我只能故作潇洒。

我做不到。

Since I stopped confiding...

I always stopped my flow of thoughts before they spiral in.

It seems that nights like this can't be stopped. There will be moments where I can't keep it inside anymore. I want to vent out my feelings, flow my thoughts.

But it seems I can't now. There's no one whom I seemed, is really willing to learn.
It's worse when they show concern, but I know they weren't really there at all.

When have I become like this?
When my reasoning never tallies.
When I found out that I am not the friend I always thought I'll be.
This is when my reasoning comes in. They have no reason to be listening the way they should be.

Keep it to myself, insignificant thoughts.
They should not bother others.
To me, its something, but to others its nothing really.
There's no reason for me to complain really.

I do not like one-sidedness, but I am always caught up in it.
Just when will I find someone worthy to share, to confide.
Someone who really is concerned, someone whom I will find no reasoning to reason with.

It's at times like this, I need a little affirmation.
I cannot expect it, nor ask for it.
And I know that actually I do not really deserve it.

I feel cut out from rest.
wanting concern, but find no reasoning in accepting any.

I open myself frequently,
but every little response is a little confirmation that I shouldn't be.

I cannot ask for much, I want to cut myself out from the rest.
But i know i eventually can't.

I want a confidant, but

forgotten

I always feel quite sad and disappointed when they asked me to chip in to buy a present for someone in our clique, or doing something or celebrating their birthday. Although I will be part to organise and spread the word, I will still feel that I am forgotten, even months after now. Maybe cos' i am the only one.

I guess I am still affected.

我放下朋友的承诺，邻居的聚餐
你却隐瞒我出来聚聚的原因。

我带着期待，背着行李赶来
结果从遇见，散步，你都早已知道目的地。

你说有重要的东西告诉我，我不问还
不知道原来对你重要的东西是什么。

我敞开胸怀，吐露心声，
你打了几圈，还是离不开 product introduction.

我不禁怀疑，不断联想，
难道之前的一切就为了今晚？

我听到的称赞，感受到的好感，
都难免染上了一层影。

是不是我浪费了你的时间，
我真的不想这么想。

我早已知道你最重要的是什么，
也早已应该清楚明白自己的料。

- 何建良
5th Aug 07, 23:10

Happy Day

Today is a happy day,
but happy daes are hard to blog.
I can write out hidden, supressed feelings inside
me to let go and feel better.
but happiness is something which seems to be
shared and diminish in this case.

Well, today is the long-awaited Effective Comm
gathering. We had our meal at Fish n Co., with
me fooling around with the foods and
chatting around. I commented on your
pink T-shirt. Hmmm, I was supposed to meet
you earlier, predicted 7pm so we can be alone
for awhile walking around or visiting the library.
Too bad you reached at 7.20pm though :<

Anyway I had a lot of fun letting myself
go and being the me fooling around and enjoying
myself with my usual jokes & stunts. We celebrated
JiaPi's birthday, which was a day ago, got her
to stand while the staffs sing, and give out chocs
to the next table. There's a tinge of sadness
in me, that none of them except one, actually
remembered or even bothered about mine.
I was the one who keep track because of
this, and initiated the birthday thingy too..

Well oh well, I guess I can't be a big
boy anymore and learn to take it easy, yeah.
Hmmm, Daphne's shoes got "stolen", and I exchanged
it with mine. In the end, I got to chase
my boots down the escalator. Now I know how
nice it is to get to wear shoes walking around,
esp on an escalator. Its a blessing. Whenever
she got concerned, asked me how is my finger, did I
get my shoe back etc, I always got to avoid,
look away. What's wrong? Nervous, scared I guess.

Oh, she did mentioned that she can wear my boots,
a guy's shoes, but I cant wear hers, women's shoes.
But I did wear it for awhile, and she saw.
Hmmm... I looked down at this guy who exchanged
shoes with his girlfriend in the MRT earlier too.
Oh no, am I despised? Haha. She didn't
wear mine though, It just got stepped on mercilessly.
:x peeled prawn for you, are you touched? Still treasure
the little moment at the mrt with you, and you wore pink!
Again!

helpless

I am always so helpess when i am with you...

failed to meet my own expectations, my projected image, the me i want you to see and perceive.

helpless to see you nick there, avoiding to appear online.

helpless of what to send over, and if you will ignore it, or find it to be just even a little bit of annoyance.

helpless to know what you need, but can never make them happen despite my promises and desire to.

helpless to see your picture, and feel helpless...

helpless to know that i will regret all these later...

helplesss to know this fact, but cant fight the truth of my character, my life.

helpless to realise from time to time that actually maybe i do not really feel this way.

helpless to know that we won't be seeing each other next sem.

helpless to want to organise something, but always hindered by time and schedules.

helpless to not able to live up to my promise, myself.

helpless of not being to let you know all these.

cos' all these may not be true, and they may hurt you more than he do.

There's no one out there anymore...

silver

Even if i really get silver,
does it mean i will be confident?

does it mean that hardwork really pays?
does it solve my problem of 自卑

Now

Now, i dun even think of letting my feelings flow in my blog.
It just seems so unreliable now,
like all the other factors i used to depend on.

Perhaps this is growing up...
perhaps this is just an excuse of my do not trust.

朋友

朋友。。。 好不值得啊

Everyone has got their own problems,
by sharing, the problem will be passed
on to the other, sharing the burden.

This seems perfect, but not when
actually eveyone has got their own
problem to solve. Not when nobody
seems to be interested in yours.

I don't believe in sharing anymore.
It is me who wants to take it as my own.
And I will handle my own problem alone.

Its at times like this when I
realised I have no emotional pillar
at all. I have no reason to complain,
no right to 发牢骚。

Because I have no problem at all.
All these are not my own to begin with.

Step back

Just when I wanted to take a step back and stay away from everything for myself,
everything keeps coming.

I can't be selfish myself and ignore them. Or I am not able to even do it, 我做不到。


I need to cool myself down.
I am not facing any difficulties at all.
I do not have any problems right now.

I am okay. there's no reason for me to breakdown.

They need me now. I am strong.
I do not need anyone else to bother.
I am Strong.

problems

You have your problems,
and I have mine.

I can't expect me to be the victim everytime something happens to me.

Who knows, you may be worse off,
with that look on your face.
I should depend on myself.

I feel myself like an emotional container/vessel.

I saw the birth of one,
and the death of another.

There's much emotional burden 纠缠在里面，我不知道 if I can handle it myself.

Money & Fun

You need money to have fun.

Even transportation fee comes into play.
If you're desperate, even phone bills can be considered a factor.

But money can't buy fun.
You can have all the facilities, equipments, time, but no accompany to share the joy with.

There won't be even joy in the first place.

Confidence

I've tried to be stronger, to confide lesser
and take it in my own.

I've always been thinking and asking about this question,
what do i deserve to be your friend.

I've always taken you for granted, never give but always taking
I do not know how to care for someone,

The way i grow up, the perfect environment,
never fails to protect me and spoil me.
I've never met anyone who has the intention to harm me,
anyone backstabbers who outcaste me in school.

Every place I go, I am protected, always meeting the right people,
whom became friends with me, and protected me, treating me like a little boy.

I have the privilege, to say things that hurt, to do things without responsibility,
to take you for granted.

Excuses like "Jian yang mah, he confirm late one ma", "aiya, you know jian yang ma, he joking de la, dun take it to heart", have become my weapon and legal privilege to continue exploiting you all.

I've always asked from time to time, why do you still treat me as a friend.
Maybe you are so gracious and generous and do not mind it at all.
But it constantly haunt and remind me.

The way I should change is to start appreciating and care.
But I dun think that is very easy ba, or i dun even bother to.
Sometimes I will like to take one step back, to take lesser, so I do not need to reprimand myself for not giving out much.

I may seemed confident, but that was before I enter Uni ba,
My first sem is my most stressed period, can be regarded as my first most downed period.
I always regard her as my saviour, the angel who saved me from my fallen situation.
That is not exactly true, but nevertheless, my heart decides on this, and its final.

All the way in 2nd sem in Uni, I am indulged in my own fantasy,
in my world drowned by her sweetness.
My activities seemed haywire, seemed busy, just to suit her.

I took on a foreign language, convinced myself that its better for my testimony,
turn the whole world down from activities so as to standby,
Carried weights on my right hand and copying tutorials with my left,
spent some time choosing clothes and sometimes meddled with my hair,
carrying an umbrella and rushed for lessons.

Just to spend more time with her,
just to be free whenever she suggest anything,
to let her copy my tutorial and because she sit on my right,
waiting for a chance for rain, so that she will held my now-solid right arm again.

Its the holidays now, time for reality.
I've gradually lost the motivation to train,
for my reason is for her initially, and when the reason does not stand,
there's no purpose anymore. I should do it for myself, that's what last.

Improving myself, a permanent reason to keep pursuing on.
That's what's right, but somehow self-deceiving.
Doing something for myself, to improve myself,
in the end it's just for my future 'her', to make me believe that one day i can break out from this chain.

This chain that confines my thought and limits my confidence.

tired

I'm tired, im so tired.
Its the holiday, but i dun seem to have time for myself,
to think things right.

I spent all my fragments free time worrying.
I should really have a free day to sort things out, but i cant let go.

I cant bear to let it go,
but i am not able to hold it either.

The stage has come to when my worries exceed the happiness when being with you...

I've always sought to surpass myself.
To be greater, more mature.

I've always wished to go back to he past.
With the intellect and maturity of now.
The things that i could do,
The people I will impress with awe.
The sense of superiority and respect that I desire.

我一直以为自己是一个很重友谊的人，
但原来在我们当中， 最轻视这友情的是我。
我幻想的未来现在已转变，
现在的未来我看得很模糊。

现在读的书，不知道以后会否有帮助。
现在做出的改变，不知道是否是好事。
现在所付出的每一个努力，你也很有可能都不会知道。

就是这样，

我没有输，也没有放弃，但我也不能赢。
因为喜欢你，在乎你，所以不会承认我喜欢你。

12.57am

隐藏

明明就是喜欢你，但又不能表示
想念你时，想紧紧抱着你，见面了却不能
每次都想让你知道，我对你对其他人不同，
你也应该知道，应该也体会到

其实我并不是很了解你，你也不是很想知道我是个怎样的人。
现在是不可能的，以后我也可能不会等太久吧。
这不是我能选择的，这是我太了解我自己了。


zihui, I did it again, she is just like you.


You give me this feeling, that you're the kind whom, who see who you like, will show
there's no way to try to win your heart over..

that, you are not looking for, or say you are rejecting, maybe fearing the idea of committed relationships,
just wanting to enjoy life and the accompany you have now, in a carefree way.

There's no way to win your heart, you're waiting for that special someone
someone whom, you will fall in love with, and show your feelings to..
Someone really special and unique to you.

someone adventurous and sauve, someone whom i may never know who.

I know that you're being bothered by his pursuits,
probably feeling troubled and vexed from his messages.

That's why I am feeling awful, I wanted to send you a message to calm you down,
to soothe your feelings and to show that I am here for you, to show you that I care.

But I am afraid and worried of that I might become another him in front of you,
that you will feel bothered by my message too, giving you stress and and adds to your troubled mind.

That's why... why I dunnoe what to do, what to send, how to type the message and get it delivered
the way I want you to feel when reading it.

During exams, I try not to think about it, or I am actually putting in effort to avoid thinking over it.
Now, almost over, the stress is not on the brain, the thoughts anymore, but clearly felt in the heart.
It's time I do something about it. How, and how to do and what, I dunnoe

I just want to get stronger the next time you see me,
and I want you to know eventually I grew stronger because of you,
because of now, I am too weak... both in the mind and body,

My battle has just started. I dun think I can ever be carefree and rest.
not in anytime soon.
I am going to do and get something for the first time, first time I really go work out for it.

这是我第一次为了什么而努力， 为了什么而在意。

feelings

I dunnoe what I want...
At times like this,
sometimes I feel like i really like you,
when sometimes i just think back and know that i am just lonely and needed someone...

Maybe you just happen to be at the right place at the right time,
maybe, it's true, both way works,
that i really needed someone now, and you are that someone.

By logic, my brain tells me no. We are not suitable at all.
By feelings, my heart is uncertain. I cannot even be sure of my feelings for you,
if i really like you.

Everyone says that to follow the heart is the way man behaves,
but when i cannot even be sure of my own feelings, what's there to follow.
I will continue to move on, continue to try to know you further, deeper.

I hope I can turn back in time, to save myself,
or even better, never need to turn back on this path.
What I only know, what drives me on, is that I know the only thing i cannot turn back...

is time.

Hesistate no more

I hesitate too much..., don't i?
Love is simply not like maths nor physics,
which i can easily derive and comprehend.
It is more simple than that, shouldn't it?

A shower of blessings..., no?
It cleared my mind now,
go for it, jian yang!
hesistate somemore, and there won't be a second chance no more, right?
that's what the equation is, the theory shown, and the history proved.
Ain't you happier on things that you did and gone, then to never solve it,
and never know the answer, never know how well you scored?

Time is the only thing i am playing with now,
after i get past myself.
I simply think and hesitate too much, don't i?

Perhaps...

Perhaps I do not know what's the feeling when I'm with you,
But I do know what loneliness is.
I feel awfully lonely without you.

Perhaps I do not know if we are suitable,
But I do know what fate is.
It brings us together and will tell us in time.

Perhaps I do not know if I will treasure you,
But I do know what jealousy is.
I get so jealous when you're not with me.

Perhaps I do not know if I can protect you,
But I will make sure that nobody can hurt you,
without first getting past me.

Perhaps I cannot give you happiness,
But I do know what happiness is.
I can never be happy seeing you disappointed.

Perhaps I do not know if I care for you enough,
But I do know where my heart is.
I feel it hurting whenever I see you sad.

Perhaps I do not know if I really like you,
But I do know how I really feel inside.
I feel really happy and relaxed when I'm with you.

Perhaps I cannot fill your days with laughter and fun,
But I do recognise the smile on your face,
and I will never stop trying.

Perhaps I do not understand you fully,
But I do know there's always time.
It's for us to slowly find out.

Perhaps you do not reveal your inner self and is wary to be,
But there's this thing called patience and honesty.
And yes, these are the good traits of me.

Perhaps you will always speak with such speed,
that I can't really catch what you say,
But I will always be there to listen.

Perhaps my feelings for you may be a hassle,
and you're dealing with so many of them.
But trust me, I'm so much different.

Perhaps you will doubt that this entry is dedicated just for you,
and that I will write this to any other.
I will tell you you're wrong, I've never never been so firm before.

Perhaps you are unsure of your feelings now,
But don't worry, I don't need an answer.
I just want you to know there's this someone out there for you.

Only for you.

你应该很困或吧，
这么多人在追求你，讨你的欢欣。

我不想做那多一个，加重你的烦恼，
所以我选择沉默，试着给自己多一点时间看清自己。

- astro

不知怎么的，就突然想写一些什么，
忽然觉得空气很凉爽，周遭都很宁静。
这几天的复杂心清，紧绷的思索就突然的，
跟着细雨的暂停，也缓缓地沉淀了。

是那刚才的对话，清新熟悉的 midi 旋律，
还是这舒服的床？ 总觉得如果能把心情说出口，
自由的敞开话题是件多么美好的事。

总觉得被倾诉，是种被依赖的感觉，
一种有用处的想法。 能为了他人存在，
能被他人依靠而被仰望。 是远比依靠他人的温暖的伟大吧。

当然，我也渴望当我需要依靠时，
会有你在那一旁等待着，微笑着，紧握着。

我真想和你好好地谈一谈，看看一下这个平静，
清晰的我，好好地，没有目的地，望着远方谈一谈
心理的想法，做过的美梦，所向往的未来。

现在就让我来好好地享受这样的情景吧。

关心

我从来不懂得关心一个人，
我从来就不会因为某个人伤心而伤心。
做错事，说错话而感到内疚的机率却太多。

虽然你不会相信，就连我自己也怀疑，
但我的心，已慢慢地感到了变化。

这样的我，可能不会持续太久，
可能瞬时又会恢复以前的样子，
但也可能，just maybe, 这小小的转变是长久，永恒的。

- 13:08
27th Jan 07
- MRT

- 我想写小说了。写一个属于我，有你，有我的完美世界。

天使

当没有人在乎我，关心我的时候，
当我感到孤独，无助时，
你就像天使一样，给我包容，关怀。

虽然我们并不熟悉，
虽然我们才初次碰面，
但你给我的温柔却好温暖。

我很庆幸那时的矛盾，那时的困惑，那时的不能决定。
幸好我从来都不是一个容易做决定的人，
所以才可以险些地逃过了任何可以伤害我们关系的举动。

对，你可能不知道，虽然我在你面前傻傻的，只会面带微笑，
但你在我的心目中是这样的一个人。

身为一个 MRT/LRT blogger, 我可能会把我的想法在写著时美化，
只是让你知道，我们一直都会是好朋友。

13:55
27th Jan 07
LRT station

啊，感觉好轻松呀！

我和 你

我像是天，你像是地，

天长地久，永不分离。

我像只云，你就是花朵，

云朵飘在空中，自由自在。

你说我固执，我笑你执著，

我俩都一样，不曾怀疑。

我性格狂野，却不安，

你刚好温顺，又体贴。

我常常失败，后伤心，

你一再鼓励，给我温柔。

我不够细心，常闯祸，

你还是微笑，包容。

我好想了解你，拥抱你，

可是我却找不到你。

只可惜... 我还没遇到你。

16：07
27th Jan 07
- MRT

Realisation

I dun like them, it's just that i needed a girlfriend, an identity, and they happens to be the opportunity now. I need to look at the person, approach in a "I want her to be my girlfriend", putting the person in front of the name. Not putting the name in thought first then the person occurs.

Everytime a new resolution or realisation appears after each cycle. Enlightenment after enlightenment, but there are always new breakthroughs to challenge these resolutions and realisations and prove them to be inadequate. Realisation and execution are two different matters. It only makes you think that it makes you improve mentally.

Striving now for a stable, brighter future weighs more than keeping memories to share with my families in the future, or at least, its more reliable. This is a thought which makes me feel noble, sacrificing oneself for my loved ones in the future, and from their happiness derived my happiness. A vision which will likely be altered in the future, but now drives me on. A thought of putting others before self is noble, and perceiving ownself as a noble being satisfies my vainity and self-regconition. It will benefit me anyway in the end, regardless of who it was meant to be for.

"To my dear friends who are reading this,

Everytime I blog, it's just my impulse thinking at that moment, be it on bus, mrt, after a heart-to-heart talk or a moment of depression and I need to get things out. This is meant to be a private space, so I will not try to reserve and edit my words for reading. I will not think of anyone is reading when I write. The only purpose of giving the address out is to maybe let you understand me better. I always try to be as truthful when I write, and I know that you understand I like comments, but pls dun leave a comment just to make me feel good or console me as a friend. Do it as truthfully as I'd write this.

23:26
20th Jan 07

I have a quench to be understood and known. But it is really embarrassing (and I blushed) when I realise the pretty lady standing beside me is probably reading what I was writing just now.
If I'd give her this blog's add, it will sound like some love novel thingy, whao~ fantasising is so sweet.

23:31

不会吧，难道我又掉入 xian jing （陷阱/仙境）了。
只要一天就有了头绪。

我还是会继续act cool, 慢慢来吧，
这是我曾经说过的。
毕竟我要的，是长久的。

就再让时间让我看得更清楚吧。。。

comment

“我受不了你们这些男人咧。。。
这么容易喜欢人，
被 reject 了就去找其他女人。
我通常第一次一定 reject 的。”

first time being commented liddat...

Dependency

In difficult times, we get to see each other's flaws.

And in almost-perfect relationships we seen it to be,
the flaws are usually fatal.

Tonight we know that we can't depend on each other.

- on bus 163

Restart, reboot

今天本应是我 “自闭症” 的一天，
放下所有的事，责任，负担，担忧，
只顾自己，单独地，自由地，做着走着的一天。

每当累了，不知所措了，孤独时就想这样，
完全没压力地乱走。

只有在这时，能心平气和地去思考，
面对近来所发生的事。
这时的我，连呼吸也变得缓慢，
呼吸着自由的空气，慢慢地品尝周遭的情景。。

我，好想和好动的你品尝这感受，
让渐渐越来越不愉快的你，
露出以往的笑容。

- City Hall MRT

improve

right now, I dun feel like doing or making any actions now

I feel myself not ready both physically and mentally

i am too immature, and this will end up hurting both the person and myself too

that's why i will hold back till i improve myself,

till the time when i think i am ready to give and protect,

then i will show it out, to whom i improve myself for

I dunnoe why, i see you sad,

i will feel sad too...

these few days, it's depressing.
and i cant find anyone to tok to.
i dunnoe where this wave of sadness come from,
again and again, but i do know how it begins.

I dun wish to make my problem your problem,
that's y i dun say.
It's at least a sign of maturity, at least to me.
maybe i am just asking for some concern
for some sense of security.

coffee dun helps...
y it won't helps...
even it deserts me
hahaha, i'm siao liao

I cried...

一到三

It was never meant to be...

走在路上， 那跟随的第三者，
在身后看着， 走着， 看着眼前的梦境成真。

坐在隔壁桌， 距离却是那么的遥远，
在书前， 抬头的温书画面，
不是计划应有的吗？

人虽是在眼前， 却被忽视了， 一旁独自作战的第三者。
As usual, i'm not even in the picture.

对的画面， 完美的梦境， 符合的主题，
只是从一转化成为三而已。

之前的画面还有照片保存。
残留的这么一点回忆已变质。
食物会腐烂， 纸张会发黄， 我的心也已凋谢。

恐惧

希望过后总有失望。

每当抱着希望， 开心时， 紧跟随着的只有相对的， 更强的失望。

现在只要一开心， 恼海后都会浮现出将要来临， 悲伤的警告。

现在的快乐往往都带有一丝的恐惧。

Open up

When you open up to someone,
and that someone do not open up to you,
no matter how hard you try or what you say.
Maybe that someone does not feel like it,
or maybe i am trying too hard to bring the relationship forward.

But it feels like words lost in the air.
Exposed and vulnerable.

I dunnoe how that someone will look at me,
desperate for confidants? or just anxious to know someone well.
It seems like i am trying to push things too hard now.

Arghs, oh well, nvm.

知足

谢谢你们， 在我最感到无助时伸出援手。
感动因为你们的帮助， 让我戴上笑容。

如果我爱上你的笑容， 该怎么收藏该怎么拥有。

我知道我们是不同世界的人， 也能感受到你给我的笑容只是一种表达的态度。
我看到了别人给你的笑容。 那才是真正的快乐吗？
为什么在我身旁时， 我却始终找不到。
我已经努力劝阻自己别这么想， 想接近你的心， 但是我太会 fantasize 我们之间的关系。

明明晓得不可能， 但希望还是很成功地，
一次又一次地死而复然。

可能是我想找个依靠吧，
当我觉得世界上的人都一一的背对着我。

我知道什么是敷衍，
也知道什么是应酬，
只是第一次从朋友这里感受到而已。

如果我能选择

如果我可以选择,我希望做个不需要依靠人的人.
因为当我需要关怀, 注意时, 往往都找不到一个支柱.

选择不开口是自我保护的一种选择.
选择静静不说话来制造一些气氛.
当你看到我这样时, 会不会过来关怀, 安慰?
答案我以知道了, 只是还没完全地接受罢了.

我也希望可以不说出难受而不感到难过,
但我更希望表达难受来减轻难过.
我跟本不能要求什么, 因为自己能给的也不算什么.

就让寂寞蔓延, 毕竟我也尝试过说出口了,
我能做的也只有这么多了,其余的我也不能改了.

小孩

又到了这种时候，
看着身边的人长大，成熟，
自己就会看看自己这么多年到底做了什么。
一方面不愿意长大的心在约束自己心灵的成长，
紧紧包着童年时所有的理想。
另一方面都在埋怨这个决定，
而远远的妒嫉被人的成果。
是小孩战胜了想成功的心，
还是大人就要走进改变这一切。

我知道你们心里的印象，
那个长不大，一直想要突出，
那不成熟的人。
我也知道自己这样一直压抑着自己
的成长不是一件好事。

难道我就要被判那小孩
持久的愿望吗？
他还会相信我吗?
只怕一反悔了一切都不能挽回了,
度过着一颗被辜负的心.

some thoughts

It's amazing that when we're 15, we think of ourselves as a man.

But when we grow up and view ourselves at that age, we will see us as an innocent boy.

We are always overestimating our present and underestimating our past.

How we view our future will depend on what kind of person we are.

A optimist or a pessismist.

- on bus 199.

崩裂

伤心难过，怎么办。。。
是不是一切都不能重来，
会不会以后就会像现在。

痛苦，压抑，挣扎。
这样的我会过多久，
这样的生活会不会没有退路。

我已经累了，快要怕了，
我不允许我就这样的陷下去。。。
我不希望我的人生这样的悲剧。

恼里那曾经期盼的画面，
难道就这么毁灭？

我越不甘心，就越是沉进。
沉进在这我不熟悉，
自己的虚幻世界。。。

带我离开这里，到一个被遗忘的小镇。。。

感觉好没有依靠，感觉好像做梦，
一直相信会有好转，还抱着希望。

我的傲气已离我而去。
省下的我，光溜溜的，
在大街上显得无助，
在旁人的眼光里漂浮。

心里已失去了支柱。
只省我一个人独自的撑住。。。
这样的心还怎么能维持，
维持一个快要崩裂的我。

-onboard NEL train.

陷阱

陷阱啊。。。 陷阱。。。
明知道自己会死在里面，却还是很“自愿”地掉了进去。
说是自愿，倒不如说是理智终究败给了寂寞。

嗨。。。 我又要过这喜怒哀乐
全掌握在对方的 hi-bye 吗？

还是要很坚持，很坚持地坚信自己的命运？

这样下去不是办法，但我能够战胜它吗？
我从没胜利过，未来也不会吧。。。

不知道这是自卑，放弃，
还是因为我太了解我自己了。

Gatherings

Gatherings nowadays seem to be marking an end instead of something new.
Gatherings are supposed to be to keep in touch, but why do i have the feeling of a "i don't owe you anymore" meet up instead.

I've heard from somone that there will be a gathering to re-burn, re-kindle the fire in our hearts, to remember the good old days we used to have.
I hope I will be the one organising it, but the response won't be good i think.
This kinda gathering is 可欲不可求 one. Everyone hopes for it, but dun think anyone will do it.

There are some things that i've always wanted to do.
To re-organize, to fulfill some promises i've made so long agoto some old friends who "I dun think they care about it anymore".
So, when will be the big day? When will be the day in my mind?
Will it acts out like what I've thought it to be,
or most probably it will fail like the oh so familiar recent gatherings.

We are just focused in our own worlds, walking down a path of our own.
We shouldn't distort from it, so let us continue walking ba,
a route away from each other.
Until that day, that day in my mind that i imagined happens...

没有长时间的距离，怎么能感觉得出彼此的 bonding 始终没有离去？

错失

这21年来我一直以为我错失了很多机会，
留下了很多遗憾。

但是如果再回到过去，以一样的成熟思想，
结果还会是一样。

我只有对错失过的她们两个道歉，
没珍惜那时的偶遇。

就算给我再来一次，我也庆幸当时的决定，
因为我相信我不能给她们幸福。

Birthday 21st

i shouldn't deserve so much attention for my birthday,
it's just a date like any other normal days.

esp. when i refuse to pay for my friends' presents, when i dun even remember when their birthdays are.

I am not a great friend, i shouldn't deserve this much.
I'm not someone who will wholly care for anyone else.
I am a motive-driven person.

Looking back these 21 years, I have been immature or trying to be one for most part of my life.
I refuse to to grow intellectually and think like an adult.

I think it is time for me to drop my resistance and start growing
Uni life will be the start of this change, or i should even start now.

shouldn't let the thinkings of "The Little Prince" bother me too much for now.
I'm just afraid the world of adulthood is too much for me to handle, that's why i've been avoiding it till now.

21 years I've been running away from things happening around me, refusing the accept them.
For now, i should start to make it a point to drop my immature thinkings and trying a difference

Should, until something negative from inside me lurks out that is,
before i become someone whom i myself will detest,
until i know that i've become a better person, who is truly still me.

习惯

当你习惯了某样东西时，
就会很自然地给了它生命。

平日看起来平凡不过的物品，
跟它接触久了，就会产生感情。

平日走过，单调乏味的地方，
一旦有了回忆，对每个路过的人，
都会有着不同的感觉。

而这唯妙的感觉就叫做习惯。。。

- at the cashier...

喜欢

原来我不是不喜欢人了，
而是看到谁都喜欢。
因为每个跟我接触过的人我都喜欢，
所以很自然地就觉得我已经失去了喜欢人的感觉。

经过

每个人都喜欢刚好经过，不喜欢特地去做。
觉得突如其来的惊喜最快乐，免得特地去做太做作。
刻意去掩饰不是跟虚伪吗？
为什么不要坦率地直往目的。

Acknowledgement

- Recognition of another's existence, validity, authority, or right.

I...
I'll try hard to prove myself as a leader...

I...
will go the extra mile to change your impression of me.

Cos'
I want to be known....

A Desire...
to be acknowledged of my abilities, my character, and as...

your worthy friend.

心房

越孤独的心，越容易接受别人的心。
因为心里是空虚的，所以不会排斥任何东西。
宽容得能装下任何的好意。
也因为空间的允许，任何的好意也扩张到了好感 、感动。

心里装得满满的人，不会再想加重自己的负担，
所以也不加理会外来的好感。
就算被感动了也无法把这份感动遗留在心。

心灵只有这么大，只有找到各个形状温和的感情积木才能把它装得满满的。

I may seem to have a lot of friends,
but when it comes real business,
Hahaha...

Who are them anyway?
I dun even think they treat me as one too.

blog.. something i depended on to speak to,
to tok to, who won't judge me but accept.
I am free to tok here, to sob out my feelings,
to let it out.

Maybe giving my address out is not opening myself,
but shutting this door of opportunity for me to be free.

But alas, i can never keep anything to myself.
Someone got to know, somewhere out there, whoever you are.

I chose this myself, I open this out.
I wanted to be known and understood, but no, this can never be true.
At least till now.

nvm

被发现的渴望

我是不是太渴望被发现，
是不是太想呈现一个不是我，
但是是我想做的自己。。。

这样到底是自然还是做作，
是对自己有信心还是不安的掩饰，
是怕别人知道我的自卑，了解我的弱点，
看清我的人格？。。。

有悲伤，才会显出快乐的美，
有快乐，才知道之前的悲伤根本算不了什么。

《快乐并没有什么不好，
只是让别人快乐会更好。
痛苦并没有什么不好，
只会让快乐看起来更好。》

- 《这本书》 黄俊朗

My Blog

This is my own blog. yes, it should belong to me alone only...
others dun matter

Addiction

midis are very interesting...

I got addicted by this midi, from jia hui's blog not so recently...

midis are very interesting... Can listen for hours, repeat and repeat, soothing and calming.
yet, it affects your mood slowly, and after some hours, suddenly become moody, heart feel heavy etc. Yet, when I start listening to it, i can't stop.

I can only stop it before even hearing it at all.
Ah, coffee is a detrimental addiction to me liao, i dun want another addiction, in a bad way.
I know coffee is bad for me, makes my mouth smells, stomach to grumble, and 防臭屁。 haha...
But what can I do? addicted, esp. at night, causing late night sleep, upturned lifestyle, waking and sleeping at all the wrong time, wasting my day away waking at 2-4pm, and sleeping so late, wasting time dunnoe what to do in fron of the com.

Why am I getting more and more moody?
cos' i know and feel more and more things.
Think too much, plan too much, and is lazy and helpless to do anything.

I got major character flaw, I know myself too well, i know why i am unhappy about this, jealous about that, why i am angry, unhappy etc.

That's y...
I cannot accept this.

i shall not include any midis here in my blog.
I have no right to influence your mood.
or say, i dun know how to add one at all...

光良 - 少年

记忆中的那个少年
骄傲的宣言
伸出双手就能拥抱全世界
相信所有的梦想一定会实现...

我们不曾妥协
那是我们都回不去的从前
幸好还可以坚持当时的信念

I have this feeling that now is the time for the start of everything...
21... this is the definitive age, the start of not your adulthood, but the direction of your life.
The moral tests we faced now, the decisions we make now, will determine the route and path we will be undertaking for the rest of our life.

原则，理想，道德，良心，目标，展望，方向 with 坚持，放弃，随众，堕落，迷失，诱惑。
As we grow older, the responsibilities gets heavier.
We tend to 迷失 our 方向 along the way, with our Principles kena setback, tested, with the lucrative benefits that comes along if we chose to be a CB kia.

理想，目标，接收到了现实的考验。 There is this choice of going the easy way, or the hard way.
Of course, the easy way will be efficient, simple and lucrative. With the hard way more sian and mafan along the way.

Should we change what we believe in, to get to our 理想 faster, easier?
Or should we give up on our 目标 for the sake of our Principles?

理想, 目标 is something we must perservere and never give up, an ending, or a checkpoint for us to reach. We live our lives to dreams and goals. So shouldn't Princples and Beliefs be placed second? But in the end, when we reached that goal, will it be what we really want then? We dun really know.

I guess in the long run, keeping to our faith and principles will be the good choice,
我们不曾妥协, 幸好还可以坚持当时的信念
But who really knows what's best?
I only know I'm glad i didn't become a CB kia myself, and friends and ppl who come along with you through the path will be the ones who make you feel that way.
Feel like heng, i kept on to what i believe in.

So, we got to check in on one another, inspire and encourage,
记忆中的那个少年
骄傲的宣言
伸出双手就能拥抱全世界
相信所有的梦想一定会实现...
go to a beach, shout out our inspirations, that not only is a promise to your own self, but a promise to your friends too. We will reach our resolutions on our own, but we will also make sure our friends did it too. 互相扶持，才不会孤单，也不容易放弃。因为 you're never alone in your quest for your dreams.

So, will you choose to forsake what you believe in, in exchange for an easier path?

Scribbles on bus

I will not org something like a birthday party, cos' it's too costly.

I dun want to be a 主角 and have people wishing me happy birthday, organising a party to bring in gifts.

I will save the money for a mp3 player ba. More for some alone time. I think it is something important when I am spending time alone, which will take up a majority of my time ba...

More than 80% of my time is in solitude, on bus, travelling time etc.

Why spend the money on a night's of gathering, so splendoring liddat...

If I dun org, Yeeloong or others will, I will still spend quality time with my group of friends. Just that the limelight will be on them, not me. I dun needthe limelight, or be a 主角 for the night. It's troublesome, and I dun think I can enjoy liddat. In my everyday life, I too AA liao, so yeah, take a break.

Birthday is just a date ba... Doesn't mean much actually...

I do have a lot of acquantances, but calling them over for a party without knowing them well is troublesome and hypocritical. Call them over, show like I got a lot of friends, act friendly when 根本就不熟， wtf sia. So fake.

So 渔wong得利 lor, haha, just attend other people's parties and enjoy lor, they will org, so why do I care. in the end still spend some quality time together ma, the group of friends. So that's what's important.

I feel like I need to 坚持 more also. Being too mellow won't get things done. But that also projects a more negative image lar, but nvm lar, 自己方便就好 ma.

on bus 70 to Yio Chu Kang MRT station
14:45 - 15:00

continued on train station 15:05

Invest, Exploit, Manipulate.

一个人的价值在于他能够贡献都少，
一个没有利用价值的人，
对我来说也不需要怎么 invest in liao.

Hahaha... This is my philosophy in making and maintaining friendships.
很多人不相信，but 我回想起来，这也是真的，因为很多人不了解它背后的含义。

continued on train 15:14

要开学了，我也不知道我会以怎样的 mentality, attitude 去面对那里的人，怎样过那里大学 & hostel life. 要以兵营里的傲慢， 冷酷， 还是一中学时期的疯疯癫癫， 无所不谈的性格，或是 JC Group 的好玩， sui bian la~ attitude 呢？还是像现在这样，装老大，big boss 的 dominating character 呢？ haha... 就看我的 room-mate 是怎么样的一个人了，until 我知道他的 pattern, 我才知道我的 hostel life 是应该怎样走的了。 直到最近我才发现他绝不是我想象中的那么简单。。。

要做个坏人的话，路会容易得多， 也很适合我。
Too bad, 我没那勇气 and heart to walk that path ba...
因为我太想当好人了。
电视剧里， 每次最后胜出的不是好人吗？
我只是想赢罢了。

- on train 15:25
approaching Marsiling station 7th April 2006

Relax, Enjoy...

haha, I really dun understandm myself.
Sometimes i will feel so enthu and feel so much for my friends, their accompany,
the feeling of togetherness of the future together,

But most of the time i will act like "i dun need you", "go away".
My army friends always kena my this attitude one. Yongyang, Daniel, haha...
Always got scolded by me, time after time, cold shoulders after cold shoulders,
icy cold comments and splashes of cold water time after time.
I must commendate them for their patience sia. Yongyang knew wat was going on alll along.
He knows i am trying to gek my laughter underneath my cold emotionless face, that i am actually laughing inside, pretending nothing have happened.

Daniel ah Daniel, haha, superb, him.
Always "never fail to stop me in my tracks",
always preparing his lawsuit towards me, claiming to want to sue me time after time for?
"Physical, Emotional, Psychological and Spritual Trauma".
Hey, looks like i can remember these terms better than you do yo, shortie.

I wrote that article, or free flow of words flowing out of my head on the bus then like a stream...
a rhythm of words, my Left hand just keep dancing on the paper, with the trembling of the bus, I wrote this:

Stick to my principle and lead my lifestyle as always.

Enjoy the company of my friends,
Stick to my beliefs,
Share my life.

I will not be swayed
from my carefree lifestyle now,
not to be influenced by greed and gains.

Treasure Relationships,
Think of the future,
a vast and peaceful green.

- on bus 43, 15:00 1st April 2006

Oh, that's on the way to chinteck's camp.
dun call him teck lar, not very "shou" yet, haha
I saw his blog entry yesterday, he mentioned me yo, about me skipping my tuition for him...
"zhi dao jiu hao, qing ke gen hao" ah...

I was actually stressed over if i should bia my this year, 1st sem in Uni teaching tuition and waste my weekends away, just for this year,
or should i take a more carefree, relax lifestyle now.
hmmm... so I decided the better route, dropping two of my students to an army platoon mate..

zihui ah, no money i will find you, cos' after tokking to you, my idea is that you encouraging me to drop ba, need some time for yourself i think that's wat you said.

Bobian, got to con money from chinteck this rich guy from now on... Got to remember to laugh on his lame jokes and stay with him when Alvin and Norman went for Soccer matches liao..
This will be a tough year, but i will try my best to gain his trust, to get his ultimate pin number.

Back to topic, I saw chinteck's blog... wha~
first pic is my skeletal body... see liao eyes will become teary one lor, then read ah read, emotional liao, then Alvin came online, so qiao. Tokked to him about some more indepth things that we only converse in the net. Try to tok more in depth with chinteck, he cannot liao, haiii..
he still needs time lar, not that developed yet.

Anyway, we tokked about the Sunday's breakfast. He made me realise that the little actions that morning that seemed like a clash to me, actually can be perceived as acts of mutual respoect and understanding for the both of us. Ah, the he, the us, the reader must figure out himself. Yes, himself...

Oh, and jia hui's blog midi is sooo nice ba. Listen straight for 2 hours, and will feel very gan dongz kind.

无法被理解的无奈

每个人不是在等待这样的一个人吗？
一个手中握着打开你心中那珊门，
可以自然融入心底的那一个人。。。

每个人在寻找的同时，也会忍不住地把心房打开，
试探，尝试把那朵钥匙拿出来，
化成一个无所谓的话题，
在对方面前闪烁着，希望对方能明白，
能回复理想中对方应有的答复。

当对方不理会，或是给予一个完全不同的答案时，
那心中的感伤与失落，只怪自己选错了人，
始终还是不能找到那么一个人，
终究还是孤单，无法被理解的无奈。。。

苦涩的咖啡

为什么咖啡这么苦却这么多人喜欢它？
喝咖啡就像伤心时听情歌一样，
因为都是苦的，所以可以很容易的融入心底。
每个人当伤心寂寞时，不是就在等待这样的一个人吗？
一个手中握着打开你心中那珊门，
可以自然融入心底的那一个人。。。

Resentment

When you hate the world, try looking at yourself.
Then you will realise that actually you're a cb too,
and start hating yourself.

.

yangyang says:

yangyang says:
suddenly i realised 我太做作了, compared to you

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
suddenly i realised 我太做作了, compared to you

yangyang says:
always trying to act chim, 有墨水, but always cannot successfully cheat anyone

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
always trying to act chim, 有墨水, but always cannot successfully ...

每首歌动人的地方是在它背后所能钩起的回忆...



I am still me, can't put down the past,
no matter long many times I've tried to face it, overcome it.

我终究还是我自己. 嗨...

打扰

不想打扰,
打扰你忙碌的生活.

所以选择等待,
就算你不知道也不要紧,

这是我自己选择的.

心死

我心已死, 再也不知道喜欢一个人的感觉.
以往思念一个人, 什么事都会联想到她的时光...
到现在才知道, 原来上一次的死心, 就代表了一辈子的心死.
遇到了谁都觉得不对, 什么发生的事总觉得错.
真的是这样吗, 还是我一直都不曾放下过.

忠于自己

当初写 blog 时, 是为了忠于自己的感受,
但现在因有了观众, 而开始不忠实于自己,
开始隐藏, 做作.

这样地继续下去还有意思吗?

感情贵在专致, 始终如一

- 仙剑奇侠传

Saved: 28 Dec 2005 00:46:20

专注

太专注于一样东西,
只会让你匆忙地遗忘了其他身边的事.
到了半路发现少了什么, 到时才回头寻找,
走回以前的路, 是不是已经来不及了?

Saved: 30 Dec 2005 00:35:09

Dam

I feel like i am a dam.
Using people's support and feelings towards me as the building blocks,
I rise higher and stronger,
taking on the responsibilities of holding the water back.

As experiences amount, I meet more people who contributed to the building materials.
Relationships matured, making my dam stronger by day.

This goes on, and my dam becomes even bigger and stronger.
So is the water i am retaining increases more and more.

But one day, when one of the materials proved to be not durable,
or new materials are weak and flawed,
it will amount to cracks to my structure.

A dam, no matter how great and strong, will crumble at the slightest crack.
Then, the dam in me will be shattered and conquered by the
larger amounts of water stored behind years ago.

I will fall, crumple and rendered useless.
Will people then appreciate my efforts and rebuild me again,
will i find back myself and recollect the remnants of the dam and rise again,
or will i just lie in ruins, tired from the responsibility i once endured?
No one knows, for the day of the fall of the Great Dam is not known.

十二月

经过这XX的十二月后,
我发现我还是那失败的我,
只是现在的我不接受失败,
心里仍然保留着一股傲气.
这就是我的倔强.

傲气比天高!

Saved: 26 Dec 2005 15:49:38

I really need to tone down

我不是说过只把她当朋友,慢慢了解吗?
但为什么每当寂寞, 夜深人静时就想 message 她,
而因等不到她的回信而如此悲伤, 寂寞.
I really need to tone down.
但我知道这想法很快就会烟消云散了.
esp. after she replied.

Saved: 25 Dec 2005 02:04:51

引退

我觉得自己在别人眼中太重要了.
太 act seh, 太 domninating了.
是我太过火, 太自信吗?

我想我累了, 但不能休息,
因为没有我, 很多人都不行...
但真的是这样吗?
是我把自己看得太高吧...

也许我真的要休息, 引退,
需要时才出来吧.

但还是要找个人依赖, 诉苦.
不然就太寂寞了.
我只是要做个喜欢的自己,
但这自己太自私,
不受欢迎了吧...

Saved: 25 Dec 2005 01:57:20

牛奶

我写过悲伤的咖啡,
现在来写个白白纯纯的牛奶吧...

感情就像是牛奶,白白的,甜甜的,
不需伪装,也没有防腐剂.
但品尝它的人要小心噢,
不能搁着太久,否则必定会酸.

刚拿出来的牛奶冰冰,甜甜,冷冷地,
谁喝了,都甜蜜.
要是不注意,被其它的饮料分心了,
把它冷淡了,牛奶就会伤心,心酸. :<

喝到了心酸的牛奶,
你会忍心地选择把它倒掉,
还是继续喝着这酸酸的它,
后悔着没好好地珍惜那甜蜜呢?

tired

I feel so tired... Y now every meeting also got motive one, y i feel that i take up so many reponsibilites... I just feel that i can't enjoy the outings... I must make it right, duty bounded. I want to cry, but i can't find the reason for the tears...

Saved: 17 Dec 2005 03:51:26

Just now the meeting is supposed to say out feelings, but end up the atmosphere is wrong. ONly say what happened, surface things, but whats important, what my feelings i no say. Now i feel the backlash, so many words in my mouth, so nan shou... Just now just putting up a mask, putting up a front, saying what im supposed to say. But can see you all even the surface things also dun want to hear liao, so thats no need to say anymore... feels terrible

Saved: 17 Dec 2005 04:00:46

This period i always try to be something higher, bigger than what i am, trying to take responsibilities and deliver. When i'm down, i tend to overlook it and cover it up, telling myself that i am jianyang, i won't be down. This bigger me that i created to give others a relly on is tolling me down now. Y must i be something i am not. But i dunwan to revert back to my old self, the insecure, low confidence me. I think this stage will pass,

Saved: 17 Dec 2005 04:14:53

Only in the night, i will feel like this. but will i be just covering it up again, overlooking it, then accumulate and one day explode out again, another sleepless night? I think so, and i just want to say it out, or else i can't sleep. Please dun change your opinion of me over this message. This is tempo

Saved: 17 Dec 2005 04:17:12

Outbreak

I am a depressed kid by default.
It's just that i am curbing this part of me in resurfacing.
The more i hide it, the more i feel it grows inside me.
Just waiting for a chance to break its way out.
The more high i am now,
will only equates to how down i will be later.

朋友

交我这个朋友不好,
我会试着突出我的好,
把对方的缺点挖出来,
加以踩磨.
还是离我远一点吧.

Saved: 6 Dec 2005 22:54:26

Kiss

Kiss - because i am a girl

Kiss MTV - click here

Kiss Concert Video - click here

空虚

最寂寞的, 不是思念人,
而是没人给你思念,
那心灵的空虚.

Saved: 23 Oct 2005 12:25:58

还是一样

可可！我觉得我很容易被耍。只要一句话，一点好意的表示，一刻让我想歪的念头，我就会胡思乱想，情不自禁地一厢情愿。以为过了这么多年，这么多次的经验我已学会。但我只是心变得比较硬，只要比上次的好感表示多一些，我还是回到以前的我。做些傻事，自作多情的我。我始终没学会，始终那么傻，任人摆布。

bubble

it's like a wish come true, so sudden, too fragile

let me enjoy this moment...

indulge in my fantasies once again

after sooo long

爱我的人

我已慢慢，慢慢地发现，原来我不是在等待我爱的人，
而是爱我的人。
但她始终并不存在，只存在我的希望里。

我又开始活在自己的世界里，自欺欺人了。。。

回来了

回来了，又怎样？
还不是一样，烦那些有没有的东西。

<<不是我不想说，我有很多话说。
我试过很多次，每次都不成功。
好像刚才我开始了，你却走了。
是每次的失望让我划下定义。
这些是如果你肯听，我想说的话。>>

Saved:
22:09:27
21-Sep-2005

<<我到底做错了什么，
我这一生中到底要什么，
最终会是什么样子。
我的未来到底什么时候才来。>>

Saved:
21:55
5-Aug-2005

<<寂寞，后悔，怎么办？
你在哪里，上天怎么还没让我遇见你？
是我不够好，没准备好，
还是她已出现在我的生命里，
慢慢等待，等待着我的发现， 等待着我做好准备。>>

Saved:
10:57:20
10-Sep-2005

"I will be successful by my own means...
I can't lay back and waste my time anymore.
I need to prove my worth and close the gap between me and you all."

Saved:
22:54:50
9-Jul-2005

<<我独自走在路上，终点没有人等我，回头也没有人在追我。
身旁呢，当然没人啦！ 但我还是不时往后看，
独自写着这孤独的诗， 独步走向终点，
心里仍然期盼着终点的那微笑。>>

Saved:
19:04:29
11-May-2005

Airport

hey, I'm in the airport now...
Free internet service, not bad.
zihui, haha, this is for you, only you know my blog add anyway...
farewell lo~

没事

只要每当也深人静时，就想哭，
也没有原因，就是心酸酸的，想找人谈谈，
但却没理由诉苦。
因为根本就没事，只是一时心酸罢了。

不想因些无聊的情绪而打扰别人，
乱 attract attention,
显得自己很失败，柔弱的样子。

blog, 现在就是我的好朋友了。

咖啡

咖啡，带着的是苦涩的味道
浓侬的味道里，隐藏着深深的思想
深褐色的外表，是为了隐藏那内心的寂寞

咖啡苦苦的，就跟品尝者的心情一样。
浓浓的味道里，述说的也就是他满脑的思索。
搅着搅着，无意地把思索也搅乱了，
不知道是为了什么而伤心，为什么会突然感慨万分。
看着它那深褐色的外表，无论怎么看也看不透，
就像是我现在的心情，怎么猜也猜不了。

我的她也一样，像咖啡。。。
一旦上了瘾，天天都想品尝
但一旦失去了，就及苦不堪
浓浓的芳香是她那无形的吸引力，牢牢地紧套着我
深褐色的外表，就像她的心思，
怎么看也看不透，怎么猜也猜不着
我就是那只小茶匙，配伴在她身旁
但一旦不小心掉了进去，就像海底捞针
永远也找回不了自己。。。

Friends

Sometimes you'll feel that you have lotsa friends, while sometimes you'll feel like you have none.
Whenever I look upon myself from a third person's view, I'm always thinking: what is it in me that people see, that i do not know? That draws people to me? Today, i asked several people... They all give me weird weird answers... It seems that there is none? I dun believe... there must be a reason. And this will be the answer that I'm searching for. Searching for the hidden character in me, that special thing that keeps friends coming. I will find it...

奇迹

我此刻正等待着奇迹，
等待着有人经过这里，
留下痕迹。。。

故事

别人的故事里都有你我他，
而在我的故事里只有我。
我的痕迹，我的悲伤。。。

付出

每当付出过后还是离别，
这感情无法挽回。
天下无不散之宴席，人终究要离别，
谁也不能挽留。
但明知道离别的感觉不好受，
又何必再次付出投入？
自讨苦吃，自作自受。。。

坚决

你已说得很坚决，我也早已明白。
你不需要我，我也不适合你。
记事簿里没有我的行踪，故事本应没有我。
我又为何苦苦想像女主角是你，为你流泪为你心痛。
同样的爱情故事，彼此想像的主角却不同。
你说我像男主角，又说故事和你很相像。
。 。 。 。 。 。

童话

The mtv 童话 is really a very touching mtv... plus the story Dolce Vita, wha~ I'm really emotional now liao... Whatsmore today I accidentally deleted all messages... in my hp...

Now I look at my hp is like a dead thing... All messages are gone. Inbox and songs... Messages that I've kept for 5 years... from the oldest cantonese birthday song from jiun bin to the "Do you know how much i care, how much i love you, and will you be able to know all these if tomorrow never comes?" which dates back to the first anniversary of 911, sent on 11th Sept, the year after the incident... the messages about "wha~, jianyang sing simple love song to me, takes out hank and wipes the tears away." and "wha~ jiayang sing song to me again~! takes out hanky and wipes the tears away again". The two songs are 简单爱 and 安静 ba... messages later are "love you lots!!! thanks for always been there to encourage me when i ....???" I cannot really remember liao, although i always read them on trains, buses, when i feel lonely and needed to spend some time away. Later messages are "Hey, my L1R4 is 18, and I passed my maths and science!"

hai~ maybe this is a sign by 老天爷 to wake me up to move forward ba... Keep on movin'... a song that she remember me with... so 贴切...

The songs I've read are also centred towards her... now, 一次过, 一了百了, 一次过把全部都给忘了吧~!!!

但是我作得到吗???

倔强

倔强
当 我和世界不一样 那就让我不一样 坚持对我来说 就是以刚克刚

我 如果对自己不行 如果对自己说谎 即使别人原谅 我也不能原谅

最美的愿望 一定最疯狂 我就是我自己的神 在我活的地方

我和我最后的倔强 握紧双手绝对不放 下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强 我在风中大声的唱 这一次为自己疯狂 就这一次 我和我的倔强

对 爱我的人别紧张 我的固执很善良 我的手越肮髒 眼神越是发光

你 不在乎我的过往 看到了我的翅膀 你说过被火烧过才能出现凤凰

逆风的方向 更适合飞翔 我不怕千万人阻挡 只怕自己投降

我和我最后的倔强 握紧双手绝对不放 下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强 我在风中大声的唱 这一次为自己疯狂 就这一次 我和我的倔强

我和我最后的倔将 握紧双手绝对不放 下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔将 我在风中大声的唱 这一次为自己疯狂 就这一次 我和我的倔强

就这一次 让我大声唱 La La La 就算失望 不能绝望 La La La 就这一次 我和我的倔强

You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone, and nobody will ever understand you or your feelings. You are usually used by others becasue of your good nature and loving qualities. Those who do respect you doso in the most honest way. Life is a journey, your always on an adventure, funny and calm, yet full of too many ups and downs for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people as they are the ones that bring you down... then you will be stress free.

NS Resolutions

1. Become more fitter...
-Running
-Basketball
-Badminton

2. Skills...
-Guitar
-Read books...
-da vinci
-yi jing
-etc.

借口

借口

翻着我们的照片, 想念若隐若现,
去年的冬天, 我们笑得很甜,
看着你哭泣的脸, 对着我说再见,
来不及听见, 你已走得很远,
也许你已经放弃我, 也许已经很难回头,
我知道自己错过, 请再给我一个理由, 说你不爱我,
就算是我不懂, 能不能原谅我,
请不要把分手当作你的请求,
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口,
请你回头, 我会陪你一直走到最后,
就算没有结果, 我也能够随,
我知道你的痛, 是我给的承诺,
你说给过我笑容, 沉默是因为包容,
如果要走, 请你记得我,
如果难过, 请你忘了我.

园游会

园游会

琥珀色黄昏像糖在很美的远方
你的脸没有化妆我却疯狂爱上
思念跟影子在傍晚一起被拉长
我手中那张入场券陪我数羊
薄荷色草地芬芳像风没有形状
我却能够牢记你的气质和脸庞
冷空气跟琉璃在清晨很有透明感
像我的喜欢 被你看穿 摊位上一朵艳阳
我悄悄出现你身旁 你慌乱的模样
我微笑安静欣赏 我顶着大太阳
只想为你撑伞 你*在我肩上
深呼吸怕遗忘 因为捞鱼的蠢游戏我们开始交谈
多希望话题不断圆游会永不打烊 汽球在我手上
我牵着你瞎逛 有话想对你讲 你眼睛却装忙
鸡蛋糕跟你嘴角果酱我都想要尝 圆游会影片在播放
这个世界约好一起逛

我 不像我

我 不像我



我不像我 不像我自已
流一滴泪 是为你哭泣
我不像我 疯狂爱上你
这一生只为一个人痴迷

爱上你的美丽 爱上你的狠心
那是一种我握不住的自信
爱上你的任性 爱上你的固执
我却不能忘记你从不 是谁的唯一

我不像我 不像我自已
流一滴泪 是为你哭泣
我不像我 疯狂爱上你
这一生只为一个人痴迷

爱上你的美丽 爱上你的狠心
那是一种我握不住的自信
爱上你的任性 爱上你的固执
我却不能忘记你从不 是谁的唯一

我不像我 不像我自已
流一滴泪 是为你哭泣
我不像我 疯狂爱上你
这一生只为一个人痴迷

那曾经孤傲的眼神如今在那里
为什么我没有转过身的勇气

我不像我 不像我自已
流一滴泪 是为你哭泣
我不像我 疯狂爱上你
这一生只为一个人痴迷

Yeah~!

Yeah, did something different today... I actually tokked to lewis about how i felt sia... feel so weird... and I cried while typing... wet eyes, then finally a drop came down from my left eye... hao xing fu ah, finally can blurt it all out liao, haven't cried for a long time liao

didi_bday 

didi2 

didi 

Sometimes i feel that i have no friends lor... Invest, Exploit, Manipulate, that is so true...

again

I dunnoe why i am typing this, but the kiss biag song is playing, the girl's eyes are blind now, now very hungry, maybe i will want to say how i am feeling now.

I feel my sec friends leaving, I resent the fact that my army friends are coming into my life so suddenly, I dunwan to commit into this friendship... to me, being a buddy is forever, it is not so simple... The more you're into it, the more you will fall from it. Perhaps, squall has affected me, his thinking is true.

As for the girl i thought i liked for so long, I do not like her lar, she is just a name, a symbol ba, there must be someone i should like at a time ba... then now is she lor, it is that simple lor... liddat lor. very easy, someone who shows show concern to me, i will like here lor. Songs will really change my mood sia... So~! you are my imaginary friend now ba. Maybe someone will click randomly and fall upon this shit leh, or one day i will surely end up telling someone about this... I know myself too well liao, i will leak this out, whether to zikai, or zihui, I will think i do silly things when i am in a happy mood, when i look back in my depressd or AP mood. And i will think i do silly things when i am in a happy mood looking into my depression or AP mood. Split personality? no, this is just me, I just want to attract attention.

Speaking of AA, most ppl who are outcaste, are AA ppl. people like michael, brendan, even alex... I sympathise them... they are just like me... It's only that i dun get outcaste ba... becos' i will act hypo sometimes. I go talk to them also partly becos' i want you all to think that i am a nice guy~! yeah~!, nice guy... I am jealous when karyong gets so much respect, when chinmeng said that lewis is a nice guy. Damn~! cb, i am just a nuisance, an AA ba, and i am thinking now how much attention i will be receiving with this blog, by acting with depression. Ha, and when the song changed to a lighter, nicer one, i will be thinking optimistic, to the original me, or hypo me, trying to AA again, and think that all these are crap~! AP me hates OPti me, and Opti me hates depressed me. We are enemies ba... but we got common goals, AA~!

first time..

IS there anyone out there looking at this? I dun know why ppl want to blog, why this thing even exists... But everything exists for a reason ba... I am feeling quite depressed now, on this oncoming friendship. I am very hungry~!

I am quite depressed now, so i choose black as the background. I dun even know why i am typing this. This is so stupid, no one will ever look at this even. Train my IT skills ba, leave ME alone~!