Addiction

midis are very interesting...

I got addicted by this midi, from jia hui's blog not so recently...

midis are very interesting... Can listen for hours, repeat and repeat, soothing and calming.
yet, it affects your mood slowly, and after some hours, suddenly become moody, heart feel heavy etc. Yet, when I start listening to it, i can't stop.

I can only stop it before even hearing it at all.
Ah, coffee is a detrimental addiction to me liao, i dun want another addiction, in a bad way.
I know coffee is bad for me, makes my mouth smells, stomach to grumble, and 防臭屁。 haha...
But what can I do? addicted, esp. at night, causing late night sleep, upturned lifestyle, waking and sleeping at all the wrong time, wasting my day away waking at 2-4pm, and sleeping so late, wasting time dunnoe what to do in fron of the com.

Why am I getting more and more moody?
cos' i know and feel more and more things.
Think too much, plan too much, and is lazy and helpless to do anything.

I got major character flaw, I know myself too well, i know why i am unhappy about this, jealous about that, why i am angry, unhappy etc.

That's y...
I cannot accept this.

i shall not include any midis here in my blog.
I have no right to influence your mood.
or say, i dun know how to add one at all...

光良 - 少年

记忆中的那个少年
骄傲的宣言
伸出双手就能拥抱全世界
相信所有的梦想一定会实现...

我们不曾妥协
那是我们都回不去的从前
幸好还可以坚持当时的信念

I have this feeling that now is the time for the start of everything...
21... this is the definitive age, the start of not your adulthood, but the direction of your life.
The moral tests we faced now, the decisions we make now, will determine the route and path we will be undertaking for the rest of our life.

原则，理想，道德，良心，目标，展望，方向 with 坚持，放弃，随众，堕落，迷失，诱惑。
As we grow older, the responsibilities gets heavier.
We tend to 迷失 our 方向 along the way, with our Principles kena setback, tested, with the lucrative benefits that comes along if we chose to be a CB kia.

理想，目标，接收到了现实的考验。 There is this choice of going the easy way, or the hard way.
Of course, the easy way will be efficient, simple and lucrative. With the hard way more sian and mafan along the way.

Should we change what we believe in, to get to our 理想 faster, easier?
Or should we give up on our 目标 for the sake of our Principles?

理想, 目标 is something we must perservere and never give up, an ending, or a checkpoint for us to reach. We live our lives to dreams and goals. So shouldn't Princples and Beliefs be placed second? But in the end, when we reached that goal, will it be what we really want then? We dun really know.

I guess in the long run, keeping to our faith and principles will be the good choice,
我们不曾妥协, 幸好还可以坚持当时的信念
But who really knows what's best?
I only know I'm glad i didn't become a CB kia myself, and friends and ppl who come along with you through the path will be the ones who make you feel that way.
Feel like heng, i kept on to what i believe in.

So, we got to check in on one another, inspire and encourage,
记忆中的那个少年
骄傲的宣言
伸出双手就能拥抱全世界
相信所有的梦想一定会实现...
go to a beach, shout out our inspirations, that not only is a promise to your own self, but a promise to your friends too. We will reach our resolutions on our own, but we will also make sure our friends did it too. 互相扶持，才不会孤单，也不容易放弃。因为 you're never alone in your quest for your dreams.

So, will you choose to forsake what you believe in, in exchange for an easier path?

Scribbles on bus

I will not org something like a birthday party, cos' it's too costly.

I dun want to be a 主角 and have people wishing me happy birthday, organising a party to bring in gifts.

I will save the money for a mp3 player ba. More for some alone time. I think it is something important when I am spending time alone, which will take up a majority of my time ba...

More than 80% of my time is in solitude, on bus, travelling time etc.

Why spend the money on a night's of gathering, so splendoring liddat...

If I dun org, Yeeloong or others will, I will still spend quality time with my group of friends. Just that the limelight will be on them, not me. I dun needthe limelight, or be a 主角 for the night. It's troublesome, and I dun think I can enjoy liddat. In my everyday life, I too AA liao, so yeah, take a break.

Birthday is just a date ba... Doesn't mean much actually...

I do have a lot of acquantances, but calling them over for a party without knowing them well is troublesome and hypocritical. Call them over, show like I got a lot of friends, act friendly when 根本就不熟， wtf sia. So fake.

So 渔wong得利 lor, haha, just attend other people's parties and enjoy lor, they will org, so why do I care. in the end still spend some quality time together ma, the group of friends. So that's what's important.

I feel like I need to 坚持 more also. Being too mellow won't get things done. But that also projects a more negative image lar, but nvm lar, 自己方便就好 ma.

on bus 70 to Yio Chu Kang MRT station
14:45 - 15:00

continued on train station 15:05

Invest, Exploit, Manipulate.

一个人的价值在于他能够贡献都少，
一个没有利用价值的人，
对我来说也不需要怎么 invest in liao.

Hahaha... This is my philosophy in making and maintaining friendships.
很多人不相信，but 我回想起来，这也是真的，因为很多人不了解它背后的含义。

continued on train 15:14

要开学了，我也不知道我会以怎样的 mentality, attitude 去面对那里的人，怎样过那里大学 & hostel life. 要以兵营里的傲慢， 冷酷， 还是一中学时期的疯疯癫癫， 无所不谈的性格，或是 JC Group 的好玩， sui bian la~ attitude 呢？还是像现在这样，装老大，big boss 的 dominating character 呢？ haha... 就看我的 room-mate 是怎么样的一个人了，until 我知道他的 pattern, 我才知道我的 hostel life 是应该怎样走的了。 直到最近我才发现他绝不是我想象中的那么简单。。。

要做个坏人的话，路会容易得多， 也很适合我。
Too bad, 我没那勇气 and heart to walk that path ba...
因为我太想当好人了。
电视剧里， 每次最后胜出的不是好人吗？
我只是想赢罢了。

- on train 15:25
approaching Marsiling station 7th April 2006

Relax, Enjoy...

haha, I really dun understandm myself.
Sometimes i will feel so enthu and feel so much for my friends, their accompany,
the feeling of togetherness of the future together,

But most of the time i will act like "i dun need you", "go away".
My army friends always kena my this attitude one. Yongyang, Daniel, haha...
Always got scolded by me, time after time, cold shoulders after cold shoulders,
icy cold comments and splashes of cold water time after time.
I must commendate them for their patience sia. Yongyang knew wat was going on alll along.
He knows i am trying to gek my laughter underneath my cold emotionless face, that i am actually laughing inside, pretending nothing have happened.

Daniel ah Daniel, haha, superb, him.
Always "never fail to stop me in my tracks",
always preparing his lawsuit towards me, claiming to want to sue me time after time for?
"Physical, Emotional, Psychological and Spritual Trauma".
Hey, looks like i can remember these terms better than you do yo, shortie.

I wrote that article, or free flow of words flowing out of my head on the bus then like a stream...
a rhythm of words, my Left hand just keep dancing on the paper, with the trembling of the bus, I wrote this:

Stick to my principle and lead my lifestyle as always.

Enjoy the company of my friends,
Stick to my beliefs,
Share my life.

I will not be swayed
from my carefree lifestyle now,
not to be influenced by greed and gains.

Treasure Relationships,
Think of the future,
a vast and peaceful green.

- on bus 43, 15:00 1st April 2006

Oh, that's on the way to chinteck's camp.
dun call him teck lar, not very "shou" yet, haha
I saw his blog entry yesterday, he mentioned me yo, about me skipping my tuition for him...
"zhi dao jiu hao, qing ke gen hao" ah...

I was actually stressed over if i should bia my this year, 1st sem in Uni teaching tuition and waste my weekends away, just for this year,
or should i take a more carefree, relax lifestyle now.
hmmm... so I decided the better route, dropping two of my students to an army platoon mate..

zihui ah, no money i will find you, cos' after tokking to you, my idea is that you encouraging me to drop ba, need some time for yourself i think that's wat you said.

Bobian, got to con money from chinteck this rich guy from now on... Got to remember to laugh on his lame jokes and stay with him when Alvin and Norman went for Soccer matches liao..
This will be a tough year, but i will try my best to gain his trust, to get his ultimate pin number.

Back to topic, I saw chinteck's blog... wha~
first pic is my skeletal body... see liao eyes will become teary one lor, then read ah read, emotional liao, then Alvin came online, so qiao. Tokked to him about some more indepth things that we only converse in the net. Try to tok more in depth with chinteck, he cannot liao, haiii..
he still needs time lar, not that developed yet.

Anyway, we tokked about the Sunday's breakfast. He made me realise that the little actions that morning that seemed like a clash to me, actually can be perceived as acts of mutual respoect and understanding for the both of us. Ah, the he, the us, the reader must figure out himself. Yes, himself...

Oh, and jia hui's blog midi is sooo nice ba. Listen straight for 2 hours, and will feel very gan dongz kind.