Even i've started to mock myself

weak

I'm weak, I'm really weak.
Can't even voice out what i think,
Can't even stand on to what i want.

It's my low self-esteem that made me silent.
It's my low self-confidence that make others not listen to what i say.
It's my cowardice to hide when faced with confrontation.
It's my insecurity to always want attract some attention.
It's my dependence to always want to gain acceptance,
by keeping silent, by argreeing to everything, by hardwork and compromising my efforts...

At the end of the day, I still care, I still care, if you didn't even open up my present,
realise my efforts, ask for my hardworking and rejoice at my thoughts and sincerity.
It all matters cos' they are my building blocks of gaining recognition.
Of thinking that I am popular and likeable, that my existance there is more than appreciable.

I'm weak to ask for recognition for my own effort.
I'm weak to have to constantly depend on acceptance.
I'm weak to even show it out with a gloomy expression.
I'm weak, just weak to even type it out here.


Tonight, I know I wanted to stay.
Just saving 7 dollars, do I care for those little money when I've already did so much?
I knew I wanted to stay back and watch them at least open up the present and observe their expressions. Moreover, I've did so much for this. In the end, it's all neglected.

I didn't even voice out my opinions for not wanting to leave.
I just follow the flow of decision to.
When i didn't want to, when i have the say to.

Even when i speak of little conversations,
my words naturally blend into the noise and was lost...
I could only emphasise more... and only to be lost more.

The disappointment following after some efforts and expectations.
I knew this is coming right before it came.
I knew I will end up feeling this way.

Is this the feeling I made it to be, cos' its meant to be,
or is this a predicament i can never escape.

I did myself wrong again, let myself down and failed myself.
And I have a strong feeling this will continue on...
till I gave up, ran away and hide from it all again.