Since I stopped confiding...

I always stopped my flow of thoughts before they spiral in.

It seems that nights like this can't be stopped. There will be moments where I can't keep it inside anymore. I want to vent out my feelings, flow my thoughts.

But it seems I can't now. There's no one whom I seemed, is really willing to learn.
It's worse when they show concern, but I know they weren't really there at all.

When have I become like this?
When my reasoning never tallies.
When I found out that I am not the friend I always thought I'll be.
This is when my reasoning comes in. They have no reason to be listening the way they should be.

Keep it to myself, insignificant thoughts.
They should not bother others.
To me, its something, but to others its nothing really.
There's no reason for me to complain really.

I do not like one-sidedness, but I am always caught up in it.
Just when will I find someone worthy to share, to confide.
Someone who really is concerned, someone whom I will find no reasoning to reason with.

It's at times like this, I need a little affirmation.
I cannot expect it, nor ask for it.
And I know that actually I do not really deserve it.

I feel cut out from rest.
wanting concern, but find no reasoning in accepting any.

I open myself frequently,
but every little response is a little confirmation that I shouldn't be.

I cannot ask for much, I want to cut myself out from the rest.
But i know i eventually can't.

I want a confidant, but

forgotten

I always feel quite sad and disappointed when they asked me to chip in to buy a present for someone in our clique, or doing something or celebrating their birthday. Although I will be part to organise and spread the word, I will still feel that I am forgotten, even months after now. Maybe cos' i am the only one.

I guess I am still affected.

我放下朋友的承诺，邻居的聚餐
你却隐瞒我出来聚聚的原因。

我带着期待，背着行李赶来
结果从遇见，散步，你都早已知道目的地。

你说有重要的东西告诉我，我不问还
不知道原来对你重要的东西是什么。

我敞开胸怀，吐露心声，
你打了几圈，还是离不开 product introduction.

我不禁怀疑，不断联想，
难道之前的一切就为了今晚？

我听到的称赞，感受到的好感，
都难免染上了一层影。

是不是我浪费了你的时间，
我真的不想这么想。

我早已知道你最重要的是什么，
也早已应该清楚明白自己的料。

- 何建良
5th Aug 07, 23:10