Confidence

I've tried to be stronger, to confide lesser
and take it in my own.

I've always been thinking and asking about this question,
what do i deserve to be your friend.

I've always taken you for granted, never give but always taking
I do not know how to care for someone,

The way i grow up, the perfect environment,
never fails to protect me and spoil me.
I've never met anyone who has the intention to harm me,
anyone backstabbers who outcaste me in school.

Every place I go, I am protected, always meeting the right people,
whom became friends with me, and protected me, treating me like a little boy.

I have the privilege, to say things that hurt, to do things without responsibility,
to take you for granted.

Excuses like "Jian yang mah, he confirm late one ma", "aiya, you know jian yang ma, he joking de la, dun take it to heart", have become my weapon and legal privilege to continue exploiting you all.

I've always asked from time to time, why do you still treat me as a friend.
Maybe you are so gracious and generous and do not mind it at all.
But it constantly haunt and remind me.

The way I should change is to start appreciating and care.
But I dun think that is very easy ba, or i dun even bother to.
Sometimes I will like to take one step back, to take lesser, so I do not need to reprimand myself for not giving out much.

I may seemed confident, but that was before I enter Uni ba,
My first sem is my most stressed period, can be regarded as my first most downed period.
I always regard her as my saviour, the angel who saved me from my fallen situation.
That is not exactly true, but nevertheless, my heart decides on this, and its final.

All the way in 2nd sem in Uni, I am indulged in my own fantasy,
in my world drowned by her sweetness.
My activities seemed haywire, seemed busy, just to suit her.

I took on a foreign language, convinced myself that its better for my testimony,
turn the whole world down from activities so as to standby,
Carried weights on my right hand and copying tutorials with my left,
spent some time choosing clothes and sometimes meddled with my hair,
carrying an umbrella and rushed for lessons.

Just to spend more time with her,
just to be free whenever she suggest anything,
to let her copy my tutorial and because she sit on my right,
waiting for a chance for rain, so that she will held my now-solid right arm again.

Its the holidays now, time for reality.
I've gradually lost the motivation to train,
for my reason is for her initially, and when the reason does not stand,
there's no purpose anymore. I should do it for myself, that's what last.

Improving myself, a permanent reason to keep pursuing on.
That's what's right, but somehow self-deceiving.
Doing something for myself, to improve myself,
in the end it's just for my future 'her', to make me believe that one day i can break out from this chain.

This chain that confines my thought and limits my confidence.

tired

I'm tired, im so tired.
Its the holiday, but i dun seem to have time for myself,
to think things right.

I spent all my fragments free time worrying.
I should really have a free day to sort things out, but i cant let go.

I cant bear to let it go,
but i am not able to hold it either.

The stage has come to when my worries exceed the happiness when being with you...

I've always sought to surpass myself.
To be greater, more mature.

I've always wished to go back to he past.
With the intellect and maturity of now.
The things that i could do,
The people I will impress with awe.
The sense of superiority and respect that I desire.

我一直以为自己是一个很重友谊的人，
但原来在我们当中， 最轻视这友情的是我。
我幻想的未来现在已转变，
现在的未来我看得很模糊。

现在读的书，不知道以后会否有帮助。
现在做出的改变，不知道是否是好事。
现在所付出的每一个努力，你也很有可能都不会知道。

就是这样，